Who Knows Whats Next

Im having a hard time figuring out what to do next. The next step after picking up the pieces and living the life you were meant to live. To be strong. To be motivated. To love again. I am at crossroads in my heart though. I don't know when to let go of something that I was so sure of. I need to know what to do. The ambiguous signs I get are driving me insane. I want to know. I loved too deep. I know that now. And now I want to run. Run far away and forget what it was like to feel that way. And to be hurt this way, but I am not sure if that is the right answer. I wish I knew the answer. I don't want to forget everything, because it was beautiful and pure. I don't want to let go. There is a time in place where you have to choose you. I need to choose myself for once in I don't even know how long. I need to live my life fully and leave the past behind me, but something won't let me and it's unfair. This is where it becomes blurry. I think I can be strong though, I think I can do begin the journey to heal and be happy, and simply be me.. I feel like change will aid my healing. Some say change, and running go hand in had, but maybe running will open my eyes. I am not running from me, just running from what I so desperately need to leave behind. It's hard to be alone right now, I feel so alone, I am tired of the feeling or longing for any person to just be here with me, it is agonizing. Despite the shit I am wading through these days, I know there is something great ahead of me. I know myself and I know I will not fail, I cannot fail, I can handle it this, because I am not weak. Not today, no matter how small I feel. I can build something new. I think I can, and that's is just simply the beginning to this journey. My mind is a mess, yes. Still very lost, yes, and still very fucking confused, yes.

                          Better luck next time.

Funny How Things Go

I remember I once said you have to lose yourself to find yourself. Well, I’m lost, so now what. I wish I could find out the point in time where things went wrong. Where I decided to allow the happiness of other people trump my own. When I decided I was no longer that important, that I was just here, here to please and help. Well I am not, and I wont anymore. What I do know is that I am officially broken. I feel like there are a million pieces of me scattered as far as I can imagine, and that someone found it funny to blind fold me and send me to find them all. I am searching aimlessly, lost, scared, and quite frankly, I am not okay. But I also once said, that it is okay to not be okay. Everyone tells you that when times are hard, “it’s okay to not be okay”, but is it okay to want to be okay? I want to be happy and be myself and be caring and loving without forgetting that I am so very important to this life. My life. I am a part of my life. I am the biggest part of my life. I want to love it again; I want to have a fire to strive for. I see the fire and I think I can feel the slight embers singe the back of my neck, taunting me, but it seems to be jumping from place to place in my mind, leading me with no conclusive evidence on how to sit beside it again. I want to feel the warmth of my ambition, the fear of my love, the depth of my soul. I have seen it, and I have felt it. I have also lost it. I am different. I have known that since day one. We are all so different and I compare my life patterns and struggles to those around me and I dig my own damn grave. I want what I want, but what about what I need? Why can’t those be the same thing? Why have I allowed myself to love with so much desire and passion; it was so completely endless in my naiive eyes. Who am I. I am proud of the love I get to share with people because it is pure. It is real. It is something that not many get to encounter and I take pride in being able to share it. When I fall I fall. Hard. That dumb girl in me. We all know things don’t last forever, but why does that have to hurt more than anything you can fathom. Why can’t we welcome goodbyes and embrace the new hellos that are to come. We decide who can and cant hurt us, blindly, we trust a world of people who cant even trust themselves. We love. We care. We create. We destroy. We fall. We cry. We try to repair. We try to mend, but there is always such a scar that no one will ever forget it. We don’t have to allow anyone in this world to take that from us, that journey is us. This journey is me. I will take my scars and wear them nakedly, proud, and fearless. Some people will come, observe, embrace, build, but maybe then they will leave. They learned. They loved. And They left. And so did I, and so did you. That’s life? Those who stay make you stronger and resilient, those who choose you, they will create a better you, the you are searching for. Stay; such a strong word. Do they? Stay and define? Does that even make sense. The us we know can be determined by the who we have encountered. I am not sure. I wish I knew. Can people begin to define you? I think maybe they do. I think that we pull parts of everyone we encounter and we build ourselves and we learn deeper.

We have to live in what we have now because it is constantly a building block for our brilliant tomorrow. I vow to make my choices for my today. Things that make me happy now, that make me appreciate today and what it has to offer. Because. People. Leave. People leave tomorrow, the next day, a year from now. Its inevitable. We come into this world alone and we damn sure will leave it alone. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s really a beautiful thing. We lend our hearts along the way. People take pieces, maybe they learn or maybe they don’t, but we have. Our hearts have learned. Sometimes we learn too much. But what we do know is that in this day, we meant it, and we wanted it more than we wanted anything else. Even if today is hard. Hard is a journey, as is love. So am I lost? Yes. Very fucking lost. I have the terrible urge to cry, a lot. I don’t even feel sad. “Feel” sad, I am not sure if that is even definable now. I try to track the feeling down. Maybe I’ve found it. I am scared. I have been down this road before, the road where I feel like my whole entire world I crumbling at my feet as I watch with a hammer in my hand. It’s me, not the world. As I sit and let life happen around me I am breaking my own world into the shambles that are in front of me. It’s funny how life works this way. There is no finding anything. It is here. We are creating it as we make each decision every single day. You make a decision and blame it on the future. I scoff. It’s what you want now. You want something different today and tomorrow so you take a step towards it when you feel it necessary. If you don’t know what you want then nothing you desire will find it’s way to you in my opinion. We are people. We are all learning. We are all colliding and hurting and growing. I am scared of the world I see every single day. The world I am creating with my own mind and decisions. But is being scared a reason to stop myself from life, loving, being me, creating me. I don’t know. Maybe some days it is. Some days are so hard that I can’t get out of my bed. I want to sleep because my dreams bring my fears, yes, but they also bring my amazing desires. They bring me the person I love, they bring me my family, they bring me open fields with a perfect sunset. They bring me everything so I stay there. I settle. Why can’t I find this in real life? Because I am not allowing myself, not right now, I cant. It is so unreal. I am not taking the steps I need. I am lost, yes. So very lost because I don’t know what I want and what I do want isn’t right and what feels right shouldn’t be what I fucking want. What a conundrum. I’ll get back to you.

When I know, I'll Tell You

I feel as if losing your mind is something you have to do to find yourself. I don’t know how many times a day I lose myself, I lose what I truly want, I lose what I think life should be. But every time it comes back to me it hits me harder than ever, and every time it happens I grow a little more. I may be lost but I know as far gone as I go, the more my mind learns, the more I open my eyes to knew things and see what can truly become of the person I am. Life is so obscured by materialistic views and negative thoughts. I like being lost, lost in my own mind because it allows myself to find what I truly want in life. I strive everyday to become a better person. Some days I am better than others, I admit, and some days I am nowhere near the person I want to be. But each day is a new set of hours.  A new set of thoughts. And a new sun to shine in a different way, if you so wish it to. I cannot tell you what I want because my mind wanders everyday. I come upon crazy realizations, and things that intrigue me, and then the next day there is something new. It is ok to be curious. Indulge in everything and anything you desire, because how else will you know if you like it or not. I think to myself everyday about how I want to be successful in my life, but having this thought in my mind means nothing, unless within myself I do not define what success means to me. Sometimes it means helping millions of people and traveling on my own, learning and loving the world with open eyes; being a wanderer. Other days it is to achieve a steady job with a wonderful family.  Neither is wrong, and neither is right.  So what does that mean to me? I don’t know yet, and I am okay with saying that. I am ok with saying that I do not have the answer to my own happiness yet. I want to learn what the answer is. Everyone can can learn what their answer is. I believe that as long as the skin you live in is none other than filled with your positivity and compassion to others and the world, the happiness possibilities are unlimited. Being lost can lead to being found. Being found can lead to knowing what your success means, and knowing your success allows a goal for you to strive for. Don’t be scared to be lost because when you reach this goal, you have traveled along a path that only you desired to roam, only you wanted to search, and explore, creating endless possibilities of happiness.

Am I scared of not being happy? No. No because it isn’t something that is unattainable. It is something you make on your own. There are plenty of days where I would love to pull a pitty party and say that my life sucks, everything is going wrong, school is horrible, I’m far from my friends, my family is dysfunctional, blah, blah. I can sit there and think these thoughts, but the only thing that happens is that I become upset and depressed. Notice how nothing around me was affected, I upset myself. Granted you may be the type of person who is in a bad mood and this affects everyone around you in a negative way, but do you really want to be that person? I don’t. When I think these horrible things and get down on myself about everything possible. I stop. I think. And I change. I change my mindset, I change everything about that day. I dig deep in the sad thoughts and think of one good thing about every negative thing I had thought of. I find one good thing to change how I feel. I hate to be unhappy. I hate to affect people around me in a negative way. I am always the one trying to make people laugh or doing something adventurous to keep the spirits up. It makes me uncomfortable when people are angry. I think every person has a million and ten reasons to be sad or upset, but I also think that every person could find one wonderful thing, one thing that makes them the happiest, and it could change everything. It’s just a matter of giving into you sadness, accepting it, and getting over it. Because as the cliché goes, the past is the past, so leave it in the past. You are in control of your future. You are your own predestined events and everything you do from waking up in the morning until the moment you go to sleep will affect your life one way or another, so why not make it in a positive way. Why not do something that makes someone else happy, just because. Why not be a better person simply because you can. Why not choose to take the hard way because you know it’ll benefit you? Ask yourself this, why not? Why not treat the grumpy neighbor with a friendly hello and smile. Why not let the car in the next lane get over even though you are in a rush? One good thing leads to positive reactions. I believe we create positivity and as we give it off, it finds its way back to you again. We attract things that we truly want. If we do things that will better not only ourselves but the world around us, then we create a inner happiness that can only lead to better decisions. I know this may sound like some crazy karma religion cult idea, but it isn’t. It’s in my own experience that when I say today will be a bad day, it is. If I say life sucks, it will. It’s simple. You determine it. The human mind is a lot more powerful than we give it credit.

Here is Where it Begins

To Whom it May Concern:

I have never truly desired to share my thoughts out loud. I have always kept them locked away in a very safe box in the back of my mind (or in an obscurely titled folder on my computer: same thing). But today, I am going to open that box, not only to share with the world my endless rambling train of thoughts, but to allow my self to begin a journey. A journey to develop an acceptable me. To make a me that's worthy, of, well, myself. So here it begins, my first post that takes the first step. And let me remind you, this is a stream of thoughts, an ever changing mind of mine that has no end in sight, one with no sensor and immense curiosity: so be open minded. Delve in, if you personally desire to embark on this journey with me. There is no telling where it will lead you or I, but hopefully it will lead, none the less. I want to explore every aspect of my mind and develop every thought I encounter, until I make sense of everything, personally. Here, I share my deepest thoughts, my hurt, my love, and my experiences, and maybe I will find a little meaning in this crazy life I lead. 

Some things to remember: 

1. Everything I plan to put on this blog of me, by me, for me, casually shared with you, will be completely and 100% original: posts and pictures. (Besides links obviously)

2. This is my free space, so sorry if I offend anyone, I barely know what I am saying half of the time, but it is pure and it is mine

3. Grammar is not my forte, so play nice 

4. Feel free to let your mind run free too, feedback is encourage

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Enjoy.