Funny How Things Go

I remember I once said you have to lose yourself to find yourself. Well, I’m lost, so now what. I wish I could find out the point in time where things went wrong. Where I decided to allow the happiness of other people trump my own. When I decided I was no longer that important, that I was just here, here to please and help. Well I am not, and I wont anymore. What I do know is that I am officially broken. I feel like there are a million pieces of me scattered as far as I can imagine, and that someone found it funny to blind fold me and send me to find them all. I am searching aimlessly, lost, scared, and quite frankly, I am not okay. But I also once said, that it is okay to not be okay. Everyone tells you that when times are hard, “it’s okay to not be okay”, but is it okay to want to be okay? I want to be happy and be myself and be caring and loving without forgetting that I am so very important to this life. My life. I am a part of my life. I am the biggest part of my life. I want to love it again; I want to have a fire to strive for. I see the fire and I think I can feel the slight embers singe the back of my neck, taunting me, but it seems to be jumping from place to place in my mind, leading me with no conclusive evidence on how to sit beside it again. I want to feel the warmth of my ambition, the fear of my love, the depth of my soul. I have seen it, and I have felt it. I have also lost it. I am different. I have known that since day one. We are all so different and I compare my life patterns and struggles to those around me and I dig my own damn grave. I want what I want, but what about what I need? Why can’t those be the same thing? Why have I allowed myself to love with so much desire and passion; it was so completely endless in my naiive eyes. Who am I. I am proud of the love I get to share with people because it is pure. It is real. It is something that not many get to encounter and I take pride in being able to share it. When I fall I fall. Hard. That dumb girl in me. We all know things don’t last forever, but why does that have to hurt more than anything you can fathom. Why can’t we welcome goodbyes and embrace the new hellos that are to come. We decide who can and cant hurt us, blindly, we trust a world of people who cant even trust themselves. We love. We care. We create. We destroy. We fall. We cry. We try to repair. We try to mend, but there is always such a scar that no one will ever forget it. We don’t have to allow anyone in this world to take that from us, that journey is us. This journey is me. I will take my scars and wear them nakedly, proud, and fearless. Some people will come, observe, embrace, build, but maybe then they will leave. They learned. They loved. And They left. And so did I, and so did you. That’s life? Those who stay make you stronger and resilient, those who choose you, they will create a better you, the you are searching for. Stay; such a strong word. Do they? Stay and define? Does that even make sense. The us we know can be determined by the who we have encountered. I am not sure. I wish I knew. Can people begin to define you? I think maybe they do. I think that we pull parts of everyone we encounter and we build ourselves and we learn deeper.

We have to live in what we have now because it is constantly a building block for our brilliant tomorrow. I vow to make my choices for my today. Things that make me happy now, that make me appreciate today and what it has to offer. Because. People. Leave. People leave tomorrow, the next day, a year from now. Its inevitable. We come into this world alone and we damn sure will leave it alone. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s really a beautiful thing. We lend our hearts along the way. People take pieces, maybe they learn or maybe they don’t, but we have. Our hearts have learned. Sometimes we learn too much. But what we do know is that in this day, we meant it, and we wanted it more than we wanted anything else. Even if today is hard. Hard is a journey, as is love. So am I lost? Yes. Very fucking lost. I have the terrible urge to cry, a lot. I don’t even feel sad. “Feel” sad, I am not sure if that is even definable now. I try to track the feeling down. Maybe I’ve found it. I am scared. I have been down this road before, the road where I feel like my whole entire world I crumbling at my feet as I watch with a hammer in my hand. It’s me, not the world. As I sit and let life happen around me I am breaking my own world into the shambles that are in front of me. It’s funny how life works this way. There is no finding anything. It is here. We are creating it as we make each decision every single day. You make a decision and blame it on the future. I scoff. It’s what you want now. You want something different today and tomorrow so you take a step towards it when you feel it necessary. If you don’t know what you want then nothing you desire will find it’s way to you in my opinion. We are people. We are all learning. We are all colliding and hurting and growing. I am scared of the world I see every single day. The world I am creating with my own mind and decisions. But is being scared a reason to stop myself from life, loving, being me, creating me. I don’t know. Maybe some days it is. Some days are so hard that I can’t get out of my bed. I want to sleep because my dreams bring my fears, yes, but they also bring my amazing desires. They bring me the person I love, they bring me my family, they bring me open fields with a perfect sunset. They bring me everything so I stay there. I settle. Why can’t I find this in real life? Because I am not allowing myself, not right now, I cant. It is so unreal. I am not taking the steps I need. I am lost, yes. So very lost because I don’t know what I want and what I do want isn’t right and what feels right shouldn’t be what I fucking want. What a conundrum. I’ll get back to you.